Taylor-Leigh
The first day I spent with my partner and his kids in the house, I cleaned. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I literally swept and vacuumed the floors. I cleaned the bathroom countertops and mirrors. Why?? All I know is that I was uncomfortable. And doing that didn’t help. I feel squirmy just thinking about it. The weirdness was palpable between us all. I know for a darn FACT that everyone was wondering what I was doing. I felt so uncomfortable that I left after I finished cleaning. YIKES.
Okay okay, there’s no going around it. I just have to say it. Blending families is awkward!
And if it hasn’t been for you, then I am honestly in awe at your personality/ your situation/ whatever magic you’re sprinkling on your food. I’ll have what you’re having.
The truth is, at some point (or lots of points) in the blending family journey, it is going to be weird, frustrating, uncomfy, awko taco, whatever you wanna call it.
There is no right or wrong way to blend a family when two people are getting together with kids in the picture.
Think about everything we’re juggling with:
- growing a deep and connected relationship with our partner to last forever (& so we don’t end up in another complicated separation)
- maintaining relationships with kids
- possibly planning a wedding??
- figuring out the new living situation; moving?!
- new household dynamics
- getting used to each other’s parenting
- relationships between new stepparent/ stepchild
- trying to ignore/ deal with drama from the other household
- who loves each other more?!
- & so on, and so forth, etc etc etc.
Despite allllll of these balls we’re juggling, I find it important to be aware of how I, as an adult, am viewing the situation. Instead of seeing these as obstacles, can I see them as neutral elements to navigate instead? How can I set a positive example for the children, who have already been through a lot?
How can I help them view relationships as healthy and loving, instead of dysfunctional like the way I viewed them up until now (and now have to rewire within myself)?
Navigating the stress
It’s very easy to spiral downward in my thoughts and the way I carry myself through this journey. Trust me, I have been there plenty of times. I’ve almost left my partner entirely because I didn’t want to put him or his kids through the situation. But that’s not going to help my resiliency. It’s not going to help my problem solving or social or relationship skills. It would simply be me running away (which is usually my way out).
When times are stressful, usually what I need is to simply step away for a few hours, maybe even a day or two to regroup myself, and then rejoin my partner and see how we can learn and move forward.
If you’re anything like my partner and I, we have been choosing to (& trying to) blend our family in a conscious way. This is not only due to my past negative experiences, but to make everyone in the family feel like they are being seen and heard.
Luckily in my situation, my partner has some pretty awesome kids. That definitely makes things easier than some horror stories I’ve heard. In fact, I may have been one of those difficult kids (I was. I definitely was). Oops sorry parents!
I am also fortunate to have a partner who works with me as a team to constantly be communicating with me and being a mediator between his kids and I.
The inevitable
And while we are doing a GREAT job, (go us!) there is no doubt that it will still be awkward!!
There’s going to be awkward silences. There are going to be times when I have no idea what the kids are talking about. There are going to be times when I sit there unaware of the inside jokes that my partner and his kids have had for years. They will probably talk a lot about the old days, and their previous time as a family.
I’ve felt every emotion in the book – jealousy, pride, frustration, anger, sadness, excitement, hopefulness, nervousness, embarrassment, shame.
AND THAT’S OKAY!
Learning & growing through the awkward
For me, the awkwardness pushes me to continue to grow as a new role model in the kids’ lives, and as a supportive partner for my fiancé.
It reminds me to be an active listener when the kids are talking so I have things to relate to them and to bring back around in later conversations. It encourages me to be a more creative conversationalist, asking questions that have necessary answers besides “yes” or “no.”
And most importantly, it allows me to just let it go and have fun. Even though my soon-to-be bonus kids are young teenagers, they are still kids. Although they are bright thinkers, they probably aren’t thinking too deeply about every little detail that goes on between us all. At least not as much as I analyze it!
Is it possible to combat the awkwardness? Will it always be there??
Will it always feel this way?
Is the question that, early on in our relationship, made me want to RUN. Far. far away.
But clearly, I didn’t. I talked with a therapist. I read about blending families by psychologists. I listened to people sharing their own experiences. People like myself. And I stayed. And I’m still here.
Working on being secure and confident within myself through reprogramming my subconscious mind has been imperative.
The experts all say that gradually, everyone will get more comfortable over time. After a few weeks, months, and now 2 years, I have seen that it is true. It DOES get more comfortable over time. If you and your partner are both in love AND compatible with each other, then the growth you see as a family unit actually feels….really good. It feels rewarding. It feels hopeful.
Some days it feels like you break a new barrier within your blended family relationships. The kids invite you to their favorite restaurant that has always been their place they go to with their dad. You feel like a million bucks because it’s their way of welcoming you to the family. Some days it may feel like you take a step back and you question what you’re doing with your life.
Remember my little opening story about me cleaning at my partner’s house because I didn’t know what to do? (God forbid I sat and talked with them or suggested a game to play).
*shudders*
The point of the story is that even though we are making a conscious effort to honor the feelings of everyone involved, there’s not really a way to prevent awkward situations. We’re all just getting used to each other.
Here are my words of wisdom that I’ve used for myself, and to offer anyone else in my situation:
Zoom Out.
Before making any rash decisions in EITHER direction (i.e. moving in together immediately, or deciding to break up because it’s so challenging), zoom out and look at the bigger picture. What are you and your partner working towards cultivating? For me, it’s a loving, cohesive family. We want to have kids of our own too, so we WILL get to experience parenthood together, even though it feels a little lopsided at the moment.
Set a healthy example.
After going through a divorce/ separation, it’s so important for kids to see that families can be sewn back together in a new way. They can feel the love coming off of the adults, and that partnership sets the harmonious tone for the whole family.
Don’t take it too seriously.
If you need a moment to shake it off, then do it!! Like I mentioned earlier in the post, kids probably aren’t thinking as deeply as you about situations. They are quick to move on, and we should be too.
Trying to force a relationship doesn’t help either. I am trying to go with the flow and be myself.
It won’t be like this forever.
Little by little, the awkwardness will dissipate.
Time and time again family therapists and psychologists say to prioritize the relationship between partners. Kids will grow up and move on with their lives. That doesn’t mean to neglect the kids now. It means to find balance. Parents should be able to find love for themselves (especially after divorce/separation) without waiting to have an empty nest. The right partner will be there to support the parenting of kids that are not their own.
Make it fun.
We are talking about blending families with kids, right?! Let’s learn something from them. Loosen up and let go to have more fun. Play games. Laugh at their fart jokes. Suggest something new to play. School them in your dance moves from 1999. Learn their favorite songs from Teen Beach Movie.
And last but not least…
Perfect families don’t exist.
And that goes for ones that aren’t separated too. Stop aiming for perfection, and instead look towards the light, and all the beams shooting from the cracks.
