Taylor-LeighI’m getting married! And it’s just hitting me that I’m becoming a stepmom?!
(For the record, marriage is not necessary to be considered a parent or have a parental role in someone’s life. But for me, being engaged has marked this realization within me, so I’m DIGGING IN).
My childhood experience
When I was a child, my brother and I didn’t receive a very mindful transition into a blended family. We got a new house & a new stepmom whom we didn’t know, all in one day. Because of the hurt and resentment I experienced in my past, I didn’t want my partner’s kids to feel that. Acknowledging what they have been feeling every step of the way has been important to us. Therefore, for the past 2+ years, my partner and I have been conscious about the way we have gradually been becoming a family.
Making the commitment
Getting married is a commitment to my partner to be the best we can be for our own selves and for each other. It is to share life and love together, and to support each other unconditionally through it all.
But getting married to someone with kids is another kind of commitment. It is being in a relationship not just with my partner, but with his family. Perhaps the closest and most important people to him are his children. They are an extension of him, so to love and accept my partner, is to love and accept his kids.
What it doesn’t mean
Becoming a stepmom doesn’t actually have to mean anything. I’ve told the kids that they don’t have to consider me their mom, or stepmom, but that I can simply be “Taylor.” However, one of the kids asked when he should call me mom since his dad and I are getting married. I would be lying if I said it didn’t absolutely overflow my heart.
What it does mean
- It means showing up every day, not just for myself, not just for my partner, but for the kids.
- It means understanding that it is not the kids’ fault that their parents separated. It is not their fault that now have blended families. As a child, I internalized the separation of my parents. I took it personally. And while I understand that perhaps my parents did the best they thought they could in the moment, it’s important for my partner’s kids to feel loved and stable through all the changes. We are all learning to see the expansion of our family as a good thing. More family = more love. Additionally, getting over my jealousy for my partner’s “former family” is important to not let my feelings affect the kids.
- It means reframing my mindset. During most days, I am a caregiver for my grandmother. In the evenings, some mornings, and days “off,” I spend time with my fiancé and his kids. Both caregiving and trying to be my best self in front of the kids feels like my power switch is turned “on” nonstop – it’s exhausting. But as I work on my mindset, I’m reframing being “on,” to simply showing up for the betterment of everyone. It’s simply a growth to get used to.
- It means balancing my time. Yes, taking breaks from any and everyone is important for all of us so we can recharge our personal battery. But while I normally might retreat and let my partner spend time with his kids alone, I’m pushing myself to spend more time with them. That way, I’m actively creating the family I’ve always desired. Additionally, we can all get used to each other and our new normal. From what I’ve learned from listening to many family psychology podcasts, this feeling of normal may take time, but eventually everyone will feel comfortable.
- Becoming a stepmom means accepting the kids and all of their quirks exactly as they are. I can guide them, but I can’t change who they are. Instead, I’m learning to embrace their authentic selves, and help them dig deeper into who they are becoming regardless of anyone else.
Releasing what I can’t control
Becoming a stepmom means accepting the fact that I didn’t raise them up until this point. While I have my own ideas of how I’d like to parent my own future children, I have to release any control over how things have been done in the past. Likewise, it’s also necessary to release control over how things are done in their other parent’s household. The only things I can control are my own thoughts & actions.
Choosing what I can control
Being in a relationship with these kids, especially without having any of my own yet, means being a role model and setting an example for them.
Becoming a stepmom means having a positive association with their biological mom. We probably won’t be besties (never say never LOL), but we are technically family by association. I want the kids to see that all of their parents can get along even though the family dynamics are different. I want them to see that we can all be supportive of the kids in our own ways. This is being a mature adult and moving on.
Being a stepmom means accepting the fact that I don’t get to have a “newly wed” phase of living alone with my partner. In fact, I’m not sure if we will ever live alone! But it’s good practice for maintaining our relationship, for choosing each other despite the circumstances. It’s a true testament to not giving circumstances the power, but giving ourselves the power to choose how we navigate life, relationships, warts, and all.
Becoming a stepmom means having the opportunity to choose love everyday. It means that we don’t just have to, but we get to have a larger family filled with more members and more loving relationships.
