Taylor-LeighTrigger Warning: I mention briefly of death.
F.E.A.R. = Forget Everything And Run? or Forget Everything And Rise?
Ask any little kid what they are afraid of. They will probably say something like spiders, sharks, heights, the boogie monster. When I was a little kid, my greatest fear was the black space I entered sometimes when I closed my eyes, or even when my eyes were open and I thought about what it would be like if I wasn’t here, if no one was here, if the world didn’t exist. Without knowing it, I was afraid of the unknown, the vastness of universal existence, and sometimes I thought it was death. I would start to spiral into this nothingness, feeling the sensation of complete surrender, but before I would get “too far,” however far that would be, I would snap myself out of it by shaking my head, saying no no no no in my mind, moving my body, touching something to make sure I was really here, that my surrender didn’t actually take me out of this world and into what I thought it was like when you died. It was the most scary place to me, to feel like I didn’t exist.
This sort of thing would happen every so often when I let myself, until, within the past few years, I rediscovered this nothingness in a new light.
But rediscovering this unknown presence required a lot of uncomfortable instances where I had to face what I feared. I had no idea the transformation that would come. Looking back, I knew that I couldn’t go around it. I had to move through it to get to the other side.
The three most important factors
for transforming my greatest fear into my greatest superpower, were meditation, talking about it, & psilocybin mushrooms. *And just a quick note- all of these insights have happened in retrospect to my journey. At the time, I wasn’t actively trying to get over my fear. I was definitely however, aware of it. Transforming it came as a result of my expansion as a human.
Meditation
I actually began some form of meditation at a very young age when my mom tucked me into bed every night. She taught me how to envision my body as if I were looking at it from the outside, and imagine a white light going through all parts of it, “clearing out the negative energy and putting back in the positive energy.” Although I was in religious education classes for 12+ years and was always told to pray to God, meditation was always what resonated with me. Perhaps it was exploring the internal space inside of, and around me that led me to think about, and thus fear the unknown vastness. But it was also what led me to dig deeper and appreciate this consciousness that I was just beginning to tap into.
I would revisit meditation when I needed it, like for going to sleep or combined with affirmations my mom would write for me to self-soothe & develop a sense of self worth. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I really took to my meditation as a continuous practice, and really noticed the difference on the days that I didn’t feel like doing it, or didn’t make the time. Through consistent practice, reading, and listening to guided meditations, I began to feel the universal presence again, but instead of it being scary, it felt like a blissful state of unconditional love. Of course, if you regularly practice, you know that meditation does not always feel so blissful, and often times it can be frustrating to push away your thoughts and get centered. And that it exactly why it is a journey of practice, not a destination to be pursued.
Conversations
about my fear of the unknown, or consciousness in general, I’ve got to be honest, are few and far between. At least they have been for me thus far in my life. But every so often I meet someone whom I align with, & we share without judgment our experiences where we journey outside ourselves. Holding space for another, and having that space held for me, has been not only a healing mechanism, but a major way to dig deeper into what this blank space really is, & hear other perspectives. By opening up and entering into the conversation, topics like death, birth, souls, and universal energy seems a bit more “normal,” although albeit still mysterious. But nothing has been as big a factor with the transformation of my fear of the unknown as much as
Psilocybin.
Although they are equated with being psychedelic drugs, I consider magic mushrooms to be true teachers from the earth. While abuse is commonly seen with alcohol and other drugs, I believe psilocybin is not to be used lightly. If you know you know. It’s not the same as being drunk or high. It is extremely medicinal and although I have used it in micro-doses from time to time, going on a trip with it is something I prepare for and only do every once in a while to further assist in my spiritual journey.
It was on my first trip that I came face to face with the black hole, and was not able to turn back until the mushrooms wore off, about 6 hours or so. The magic of these mushrooms is that they kind of force you to surrender your ego and everything in the material world, and dive head first into the unified field, the world of connectivity, of energy, of oneness. Simultaneously you are nothing, and you are everything. Time does not exist. My first time I was not prepared to experience such intensity, so I did not let myself go as far as my most profound trip. It was on this profound trip that I was prepared. I set the intention of letting go fully, and because of that, I experienced what is known as “ego death,” or, as Wikipedia describes it, a “complete loss of subjective self-identity” (Johnson, Richards & Griffiths 2008). You can read all about that in more depth elsewhere on the internet, but in my experience, it felt like I was dying in the physical reality, and only existing as pure consciousness. Experiencing psilocybin can be a whirlwind of emotions. It can be both pure bliss, and also very emotionally painful. Hence why it is referred to as a “trip” – you are going through your own spiritual journey. When it’s happening, I am not just deep within the black hole, but I am the vast nothingness. My inner child’s greatest fear.
Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Becoming Supernatural has been monumental in helping me gain more clarity on the two worlds- matter and energy. It was when I read about this vast, unknowing and all-knowing, universal energy, that I realized that he is talking about what I once feared. But instead of it being a hole, Dr. Dispenza describes it as a field of infinite possibilities. His life’s work is to help people tap into this unified field to become more aware of themselves. When they gain this inner awareness, their outside world changes. They can rewire their old patterns and become who they truly want to be.
Now looking back, I realize that I made it out on the other side. I can talk about the experience with others. I can meditate and visualize myself within the unified field of infinite possibilities. And ultimately, why I am here today with you, is to share how I went from fearing the unknown universal energy, to being empowered by it. It is within us, around us, and connects us. All of us. What you do with it is up to do. It is my superpower…
from unknown = uncertainty, to unknown = limitless possibility.