Taylor-LeighWeek 4 of my intuitive eating journey accounts for really the past 2 or 3 weeks because well, life happens.
It has been an especially anxious period of time for me, and with that comes sleep deprivation and a challenge to tune into my hunger and fullness cues. This results in a cycle of undereating and overeating.
But unlike my previous dieting self, I don’t have to “start over” with day one, or let everything go out the window. Intuitive eating has brought a sense of understanding that goes hand in hand with the ups and downs of life. I will never be a perfectly in-tune eater, in fact there is no such thing! My intention with this whole journey is developing an attuned relationship with myself and my body, and as with any relationship, it’s an ongoing practice of cultivating self-compassion, so that I can share that same compassion with others.
In fact, this is all a part of what the Intuitive Eating Workbook calls the Spiral of Healing. We can think of healing as a spiral, rather than a straight line, because healing is not black and white, nor is it a straight line from point A to point B.
With intuitive eating, it’s natural for our previous dieting mentality to come back to us from time to time. After all, it has been ingrained in us long enough to dictate our actions. When we are on our journey of self compassion and improvement, hearing our old voices can cause us to want to criticize ourselves. And that self judgment can cause a whole other downward spiral that can adversely affect our eating behaviors. When we think of our self improvement as a spiral, we know that it’s natural to have dips while continuing to go upwards.
Example scenario of my old way of thinking-
Say for example I have a restriction I placed on myself never to eat cake. But then my mom’s birthday comes along and I make her a cake. In my old way of thinking I would tell myself I’m not going to have a slice. Instead I’ll have fruit for dessert. But then I want to fit in with the rest of the family and I have a slice of cake. I mean hello, it’s a birthday after all! Then, because I told myself I would never eat cake, I feel shameful, angry at myself for not sticking to my word. I forbid myself to ever eat any again. The desire I have is insatiable – the forbidden fruit effect. Later I take the cake out of the fridge at night when everyone’s asleep and I eat the rest of it. How do I feel then? Even worse – regretful, guilty, worthless.
Example with my new way of thinking-
But with the Spiral of Healing, the premise is to reframe our thinking from judgmental self-talk, to curious self-talk.
Let’s take the cake example from above. Say I’ve been working on my intuitive eating and healing my relationship with myself and with food. It’s my mom’s birthday and I know I will want to have a slice of cake. After all, no foods are off limits (within my own personal ethical and health boundaries). I know that I stick to foods that fuel me to function at my best, and tonight is a special occasion. I’m excited for cake and to celebrate with my family! I’m not thinking about the x, y, or z calories or macro content. I eat my dinner only to the point of satisfaction and save the leftovers to enjoy for lunch the next day. I have a nice slice of cake for dessert and think about my old self sneaking to the kitchen at night. Eating forbidden food in secret was a pattern from my eating disorder. A part of me feels thrilled thinking about it. But the healing part of me pays attention to the moment and enjoys my cake with everyone else. After one slice I feel content and satiated and feel good about my family and I enjoying the rest of the cake throughout the week.
But even if this scenario had gone south, and I would have slipped into my old habit of criticizing myself for having such a “bad” food and letting down my “healthy” self, I can look at the Spiral of Healing and approach my self-talk with curiosity. Maybe my healing journey would have dipped down, but with my newfound awareness and curiosity, I know that it will make a loop de loop and go upwards once again.
Eating With Anxiety
This back and forth thinking is what my anxiety-filled past few weeks have been like. With anxiety, it can be difficult to tune into physical sensations. I have a toolbox of coping mechanisms, but my healing journey with anxiety is similar to my intuitive eating journey, it is in an upward (for the most part) spiral. The level of anxiety can be different every day and at different parts of the day. Sometimes I don’t want to eat anything. Sometimes I want to mindlessly eat my stress away. Sometimes anxiety makes me want to be in constant motion. Sometimes it makes every task impossibly overwhelming so I end up doing nothing at all.
In a perfect healing world, I would make sure to eat mindfully – minimal distractions, sitting at a table, focusing on the details of the food. But that’s not always possible. So I am finding what works for me as an individual, as I know it differs from person to person.
For me, eating with anxiety means eating small meals throughout the day. It means making sure I have a snack if I’m on the go, even if I’m not hungry at the time. It means not stuffing myself to point where I numb my feelings and sensations, even if I am hungry.
An idea I have is to try a coping exercises each time I eat, or beforehand. This way I can tune into the present moment, enjoy my food, and know when to step away from it.
Luckily, the workbook the past few weeks has been centered around challenging your mind (the Food Police), and reframing negative talk into positive. The exercises work well with anxiety because often times our thoughts are actually distortions, made up stories we tell ourselves. Step by step we can go through a process of recognizing a distorted thought and distinguishing it from a fact and actual experience.
After all, a thought starts as a belief, which then turns into a feeling, resulting in an action based on our emotion.
Belief –> Thought –> Feeling –> Action
To conclude, the past few weeks of intuitive eating has become more and more intertwined with my everyday life and the ups and downs with it. Although eating with anxiety comes a challenge, my path of healing through both of them influence each other in beneficial ways.
Whatever you are going through alongside your journey of making peace with food, I hope you remember the spiral of healing and know that it is a completely natural experience.
About me: My name is Taylor-Leigh and I am currently documenting my journey with intuitive eating. I am a multi-passionate person, especially when it comes to plant-based eating, mindfulness, intentional living, and performing arts. Thanks for being here.
Featured photo courtesy of Unsplash.
Last photo of me by: KHPhotos