Taylor-Leigh
Looking back over the past year of my life, I see where I started, where I am now, and how far I’ve come. As a full-time at-home family caregiver for my grandmother, here’s what I’ve learned so far.
People won’t respect me unless I respect myself.
When I first started caregiving, I was insecure about the uncertainty of my future, and slightly ashamed of not “working on my career” or living my life like the people around me. I started to realize that when I ran into people that I knew out and about, I belittled myself with my head down saying, “oh I’m just taking care of my grandmother” and then afterwards I shamed myself for not having confidence or being proud! That cycle started to turn around when my partner told me I need to give myself more credit. Even though it didn’t sink in until many months later, I have realized that caregiving is not only a full-time job, but a challenging one – physically, emotionally, and mentally. Taking ownership over that, even if people don’t understand (which they often don’t), is a work in progress. Because I am proud of myself, and I have mad respect for all caregivers out there.
Releasing attachment
- To expectations – Caring for a person with a history of trauma both from her stroke and her past, who has disabilities and dementia, I’ve had no choice but to release control of having a particular outcome. Not only with day to day tasks, but I’m surrendering to the uncertainty of the future. I can visualize my future and work toward goals, but releasing that attachment is important to not get caught up in it being a certain way. Regardless of where my peers are in life right now, the only place I “should” be is exactly where I am.
- To possessions – What do I really need? Am I looking towards things for fulfillment? It’s so easy to get caught up in new houses, cars, dresses, gadgets, kitchen tables. Although I’m pretty limited as to what I can do and where I can go right now, I can redirect my money to save for meaningful experiences down the line.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I’ve been saying this for years, but it has never rang more true for me than it does today. Everyone is truly on their own path…
To spend less time on social media
The more time I spend on the internet, the more I compare myself to other people who were on the same path as me. But life changes every day, and my life is very different than it was over a year ago. More time on my phone only leads to increased anxiety, wanting more things, and time wasted that could be spent on self care or spending time with loved ones. My grandma doesn’t have technological gadgets to scroll through all day, so it’s important to me to be present with her. Plus, increased screen time leads to disrupted & insufficient sleep.
Sleep is crucial.
We all know this in theory. But we also live in an over productive society where sleep is one of the first things to be sacrificed. I need quality sleep to physically and emotionally care for someone all day, as well as for my own mental health.
Self care is a necessity.
Self care is not a luxury for me, and is in fact important for preventing anxious spirals and burnout. When most of my time and energy is spent on caring for another person, I must preserve my sanity by reserving time for myself. Even if that means waking up early, or leaving the room for a few minutes to breathe, ground myself, get energized, or whatever I need in that moment.
As a text from Lewis Howes reads:
People matter.
Regardless of her age, capabilities, or memory, my grandmother is still a valuable, loving, and lovable person. She is full of life experiences, wisdom, and perhaps more love than ever before.
Of course this can be applied to anyone regardless of race, age, orientation, gender, status, abilities, appearances…people matter.
I am supported.
Thanks to my grandmother’s home health, my therapist, and a few rare caregiver friends, I have resources to help support me and my family. But my biggest supporter has been my partner. After years of dating “the wrong people” (for me), I have finally had a consistent relationship enveloped in unconditional love. Not only does he understand my situation, but he treats my grandmother like his own, and the two of them have a special bond. I am endlessly thankful for his help and support, from holding me when I cry, to pushing my grandma’s wheelchair, to bringing his kids over to see her, to bringing her favorite sandwiches and pizza.
To take agency of my personal boundaries
This ties together a few points that I’ve already made. I need enough quality sleep so I can wake up early and have time to myself to exercise, meditate, write, or whatever I’m feeling that day for self care. Having personal boundaries provides a more respectful and cohesive working environment for other members of the house, whether they are giving care, receiving care, or are simply around those of us who are.
Movement is essential.
As a solo backpacking, travel loving, lifelong dancing, daughter of two gym rat parents, being inside the house has been a challenge to say the least. (I’m also a Sagittarius for you astrology nerds). I’ve learned that movement early in the day, preferably vigorous exercise that gets me sweating, sets me up for an all-day energy and mood boost. Sometimes that means running around the cul-de-sac before my grandmother wakes up, while other times it means dancing next to her bed so she can be inspired to move herself! But regardless, moving my physical energy helps counteract the feelings of stuckness – like stuck where I am in life & stuck in the house.
It is never too early to start taking care of my health
For years I have been someone who strives for optimum health through plant-based nutrition, and seeing as my grandmother suffered from a stroke and now lives with the aftermath, I am more motivated than ever to take care of my health for the long-term. As a young & fit person, it can be hard to look towards the future of my health, but prevention starts now. Health disparities don’t just come up out of nowhere; they accumulate over time whether we realize it or not, & are not always doomed to genetics. Aside from diet and exercise, I’ve learned that mental health is a crucial aspect of our overall well-being. The book, The Body Keeps the Score as well as regularly talking with a therapist has been revolutionary to learning about psycho-somatic aspects of our health. Stress management, releasing trauma from the past, & having attuned relationships with others, my body, & my self are all vital to my long-term health as well.
What really matters
Before becoming a caregiver, my favorite populations to spend time with were the elderly, children, and those with special needs, because of the appreciation that they have for the world. Now, I get to spend so much time with my grandmother, and appreciate all the little things that we often take for granted. I know I will look back on this time in my life with gratitude that I didn’t choose traditional work or “normal” 20’s experiences over my grandma.
Acceptance
After over year, I’ve come to accept the fact that most people don’t/ won’t understand what fulltime care for another person is like, and all of the physical, emotional, & mental capacity that it entails. That’s okay, and I can’t blame them. It just makes my connection with those who do understand, even more fulfilling. My mom used to always say that you have your brain, and they have theirs. That’s what makes sharing stories special. Otherwise, no one would have anything different to share, the world would be a lot less colorful, and eventually we would all just stop sharing because we’d all be the same.
Not only do I accept where I am in life right now, but I appreciate it. Not just for my own sense of self worth & growth, but because I deeply love & cherish the person I care for:
My grandmother.
Here’s Grammie & I! I’m Taylor-Leigh. I write about caregiving & intentional living.